I'll Always be a Cowgirl

This past weekend, I went home for the county fair. Now, for those of you not familiar with small town life in the West, the county fair surpasses many an American holiday. I'd rather miss Thanksgiving than the fair.

With my all of my immediate family members, I moved toward the stands covered in peeling white paint--paint I had helped put there years ago. I smile as I remember my 4-H friends and I slapping each other with white, laughing when we realized the paint was oil based. The smell of gasoline as we worked it from our skin.

I sat down to more memories--memories as familiar to me as the smells of my children and as distant as my first romance. The smell of horse sweat. Dust in my mouth. The feeling of 1,000 pounds of muscle tensed and ready to run beneath me. The pride I have for my horse; a horse that I'd trained myself.

I remember the heartache of losses, the thrill of the win. Chasing cowboys wearing tight wranglers, callouses on their hands.

And now it's all gone for me. Sometimes, like when I go to the fair, I miss it so much my chest aches and tears sting my eyes. And I'm beginning to realize that I may never have it back. It may be gone forever. And I may miss it forever.

And I'm beginning to realize rodeo will not be the only passing passion I have in my life. I still love the textured feel of a basketball in my hand, the snap of the hoop when the ball fits perfectly. But my body will not always willingly run the court.

The feel of my baby daughter in my arms, so tiny that she seems made to fit in the contours of my body. Her breath against my neck as she sighs her sleeping baby sighs.

So now I'm determined to enjoy my stage of life now. The kids running around, begging me to play swords with them and read them a story. My husband, singing off key to Don't Worry, Be Happy as he cooks in the kitchen. My friends and I playing ball on Saturday mornings.

I will write. But I will not give up NOW. I will not miss these memories. Because I'm beginning to understand that I will never get them back.

In case you have any doubts, yes, that's me during my Junior year of high school. I was one of the top Cowgirls in my state. I have over 30 belt buckles to prove it.