Adding tension

In a previous post, I showed you a sentence: Rocks and boulders circled the pool. But how can I add tension to the scene? Well, let me break it down for you:

My character (Daughter of Winter) is pinned between the villain and a cliff. It's a tense moment, but how do I convey that though showing? Well, read this section first, and then I'll break down what I've done.

The river narrowed and deepened. The air was thick and heavy with the smell of the water. With a sense of foreboding, she climbed up the bald expanse of a flat boulder and looked down. A waterfall crashed down a steep cliff before hurtling into a deep pool. Rocks and boulders ringed the pool like the teeth of a hungry maw. She looked from one side to the other. The cliffs went on for leagues in either direction. She had nowhere to go. The dogs were very close now.

She stared at the base, her whole body screaming to live.

The dogs crashing through the trees, baying happily when they found her. She turned, and saw Darrien astride his gelding. It surprised her that he was alone. What would he do to her?

He rubbed the back of his head, where she’d clobbered him. “That will cost you.”

Everything. He was going to take everything she held dear. By the time he was finished, she wouldn’t be Ilyenna anymore. Instead, all that remained would be a hallowed out husk. If she didn’t bend to him, he would destroy her clanswomen. Only one choice remained for her now. She peeked over the edge and looked down, down, down. She felt dizzy and disoriented. Would it hurt?

His voice softened. “Come here, now.” Understanding had dawned on Darrien’s face.

She grunted. In this only, had she any modicum of control. She closed her eyes. But she couldn’t bring herself to jump. Drawing every ounce of courage, she inched backward. You’re the clanmistress. You protect your clan. No matter the cost. With each minuscule step, she expected to feel nothing but open air beneath her.

“Ilyenna, no!” She gasped out the breath she had been holding. Rone came crashing through the trees—his face white with fear and exertion.

Her heart squeezed violently within her, flooding her whole body with a burst of blood. Why couldn’t he have loved her?

He paused before her, his hand outstretched. “Come with me, Ilyenna.”

She shook her head violently, tendrils of her damp hair swaying. “I can’t, you know that Rone. I have to protect them. Protect myself.”

“We’ll find another way.”

Duty. Honor. She smiled at him, gently, trying to ease his pain. If she didn’t do it now, she might lose her courage forever. “There is no other way.” She stepped back, and this time, her foot caught nothing but empty air. She pushed off. Rone reached for her, his face twisting in despair. She heard his scream as she fell. Her heart plunged in her throat as she watched the ground rush up to meet her.

In this scene, I really have three major conflicts going on at one: Ilyenna's internal conflict--to protect her people, she believes she must kill herself; her external conflict with the villain; her conflict with her love interest.

red=descriptions
blue=tension building words or phrases
green=conflict (internal or external) note that conflict builds tension, but my purpose here is better served if they are separate.

The river narrowed and deepened. The air was thick and heavy with the smell of the water. With a sense of foreboding, she climbed up the bald expanse of a flat boulder and peered over the edge. A waterfall hurtled into a deep pool. Rocks and boulders ringed the pool like the teeth of a hungry maw--anytime you can make a description dangerous, you kill two birds with one stone. She looked from one side to the other. The cliffs went on for leagues in either direction. She had nowhere to go. The dogs were very close now.

She stared at the base, her whole body screaming to live. --setting this sentence apart gives it extra emphasis

The dogs crashed through the trees, baying happily (this adds a sharp contrast to the deadly scene) when they found her. She turned, and saw Darrien astride his gelding. It surprised her that he was alone. What would he do to her?

He rubbed the back of his head, where she’d clobbered him. “That will cost you.”

Everything.--see how I'm mixing up my sentence lengths? Putting a sentence in it's own paragraph, or it's own sentence, gives it special emphasis. When the tension is really fast, my sentences are shorter.-- He was going to take everything she held dear. By the time he was finished, she wouldn’t be Ilyenna anymore. Instead, all that remained would be a hallowed out husk. If she didn’t bend to him, he would destroy her clanswomen. Only one choice remained for her now. She peeked over the edge and looked down, down, down. She felt dizzy and disoriented. Would it hurt?--adding the characters thoughts also gives variety and sets it apart.

His voice softened. “Come here, now.” Understanding had dawned on Darrien’s face.

She grunted. In this only, had she any modicum of control. She closed her eyes. But she couldn’t bring herself to jump. Drawing every ounce of courage, she inched backward. You’re the clanmistress. You protect your clan. No matter the cost. With each minuscule step, she expected to feel nothing but open air beneath her. --see how I'm dragging out the tension? Just like in real life, time slows during tense situations (actually, we speed up, but that's irrelevant).

“Ilyenna, no!” She gasped out the breath she had been holding. Rone stumbled through the trees—his face white with fear and exertion. --I'm building the tension by adding another conflict.

Her heart squeezed violently within her, flooding her whole body with a burst of blood. Why couldn’t he have loved her?

He paused before her, his hand outstretched. “Come with me, Ilyenna.”

She shook her head, tendrils of her damp hair swaying. “I can’t, you know that Rone. I have to protect them. Protect myself.”

“We’ll find another way.”

Duty. Honor. She smiled at him, gently (again, the word gently contrasts with the severity of the scene), trying to ease his pain. If she didn’t do it now, she might lose her courage forever. “There is no other way.” She stepped back, and this time, her foot caught nothing but empty air. She pushed off. Rone reached for her, his face twisting in despair. She heard his scream as she fell. Her heart plunged in her throat as she watched the ground rush up to meet her.

Whaddya think? How'd I do?