An update on our family's medical drama . . .

Thursday, November 5, 2015
Lots of things going on. My cyst is gone, and so is the pain (yay!). I've discovered this medicine called Prelief, which has made my IC completely manageable. I can even eat chocolate and tomatoes again (I'll probably never be able to handle soda pop or lemonade (or coffee or alcohol, but I'm Mormon so no worries there)). It's also lessened the pain to the point where I don't hurt very often anymore. My ankle is still giving me a few problems--there's still a broken bone fragment floating around in there that gets pinched every once in awhile. But I really, really don't want another surgery.

I just had a major breakthrough with Winter's Heir. It will require deleting about 7K words and starting over, but this will make the book SO MUCH BETTER. So in the end, it's all good.

We've found a medication for my oldest son that has made his symptoms manageable--he can stay awake and he isn't collapsing anymore. The doctors think he has a sort of transient cataplexy, which he will eventually grow out of. Not a great thing to have, but better than the horrible things like tumors and seizures and narcolepsy that the doctors were talking about. There's still a chance he won't grow out of it, but I'm trying not to focus on that.

My second son has a great teacher this year (unlike the horrible bully he had last year). His femur (where his nonossifying fibroma was) looks great, other than one leg is slightly longer than the other and his knee sometimes bothers him. We can only hope it doesn't get worse.

But here's the other thing--all the trauma my family has gone through over the last 3 years has left me struggling with depression. I have been since about January when it was really, really scary. Like suicidal scary. It was bad again last week (for good reason, my son was having major medical issues and it triggered all the trauma that we went through with my other son). The medical bills are piling up and leaving us completely overwhelmed.

I haven't really told many people about it. Partly because it's so deeply personal. Partly because it's the kind of thing that makes your curl in on yourself. Partly because sometimes people are idiots and mean.

So why write about it at all? Honestly, I'm not even sure myself. I want people like me to know they're not alone. I don't want to be alone either. And that's just kind of who I am. I have this desire for people to know the real me, free of adornments or masks.

Another reason is because someday I want my children and grandchildren and great grandchildren to see this trail I've blazed before them. That it wasn't a legend or a pioneer. I was just a person, doing the best I can. And I want them to have my words.

Finally, I had an an aha moment yesterday. God doesn't "give us" our trials-they come as a natural result of living in the world we do--he's not handing out pain like poison from above. Part of the reason we're here is to learn of suffering. And God will help us through it if we let him. And in the end, all the suffering will be taken away and it will all be made right.

Realizing this has helped me let go of a lot of anger. My hope is that it will help you too.

13 comments:

  1. Great post. I gave a talk about this last night about how the Savior can make us "whole" even when things remain the same and remain broken around us. It helps me through the hard times!

  1. I have nothing more to add. You are amazing! Hugs

  1. I am so sorry that you are all going through this. But I have to say that I am TRULY Thankful you wrote your aha moment. I think it was ment for me to read. It brought clarity to something I have worried over for 4 years. Thank You! (((HUGS)))

  1. I love that you pointed out that God does not GIVE US hardships. I love that you posted this. I wish more people would. My husband has taken depression meds for years, and if he misses one day, I know immediately. What a wonderful world we live in to have what we do to help. Anyway. Thank you for sharing.

  1. Love you, darling. I'm so glad you are willing to open up and share. Besides any good that you can do for others (which is huge, by the way) I hope opening up will also help you to see that you are not alone. I have been there myself within the last two years, also due in part to medical issues. The best thing to remember is that you aren't alone and you won't always feel like this. Hugs and kisses to you.

  1. Sometimes it helps to write it out, to purge it somehow. I'm so sorry you've been struggling so hard!! I love your spirit, your persistence, all of you, really. And I love that perspective on God and trials as well. Perspective really helps in so many ways. Hugs you!!!

  1. Thank you for your honest sharing.

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  1. SewAmused said...:

    Amber, I've been in that place, and I am glad you shared. Faith is not a test, but a gift.
    I just wanted to tell you that I am on Chapter 11 of Priestess, and I do think it's worth revisiting. Julie's aunt Deb

  1. Thanks for all your words of encouragement everyone. I'm still not in a great place, but it's not scary either. Although I am scared to go back there. *shudders*

  1. Unknown said...:

    Being new to your blog and your books (both of which are fabulous, by the way), I appreciate your honesty. Prayers and healing, fruitful thoughts are being sent your way. Blessings.

  1. ilima said...:

    Love and hugs and prayers for you, Amber.

  1. May The Lord wrap you in his arms and the blood of Christ pour over you and your children for healing. He lift you up out of depression and may joy of the HOLY SPIRIT fill you soul with gladness for our God is a healer and hears our prayers. In the name of Jesus Christ.

    Thank you for sharing your situation with us how would we know that you need prayers unless you let us know. Yes we need prayers but at this time you need to be lifted up

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